Savage Ratatouille
#43 in an occasional series from Paul, The Sadistic Chef.
Take by force several plum tomatoes, an onion, two zucchini, one yellow squash, a couple of peppers and two eggplants.
Start by flaying the onion in the manner of the Spanish Inquisition, making a series of small cuts into its flesh then peeling off the skin using fingers and thumbs. Place the skinned onion on the chopping board with the other ingredients. Brandish a large, sharp and pointy knife. Inhale deeply, enjoying the smell of fear.
Using the knife, stab, slash and slice at all the ingredients until they are cut into pieces. Smile at their pooling juices.
At this point, the old-school approach would mandate rubbing salt into the wounds of the eggplant, but these days this might be considered extreme.
Now take your cauldron, administer a generous splash of olive oil, and heat the oil till it smokes. We all love to use boiling oil!
Then, without warning, plunge your ingredients into the oil. Stifle the screams by smothering the vegetables with tomato paste, then goad and agitate with a wooden spoon. After a few minutes, the novelty will wear off, at which point you should transfer the pot to the oven, pre-heated to 350°. Leave it there to suffer for at least an hour, then ladle into a bowl, stab with a fork, and eat.
